Abyss of Fatigue V2

Monday, January 09, 2012


It's been 82 days since the day my heart shattered into pieces. I was coping quite well, I could visit Chloe and smile while I was talking to her. I guess this is the mood swings that they are talking about.

Yesterday night I had a dream where my mom was holding a full moon baby. At first sight I knew it wasn't Chloe. I asked my mom, who's baby was it. She answered me it was a friend's baby. As she finished the sentence, I imagined that Chloe would be slightly bigger that the baby.

It made me feel how much I've lost out and many more things (or rather not) to come. I woke up and broke down. I'm glad that I can show all my feelings to my wife.

Went to work and can't stop thinking about Chloe. Finished the early morning meeting and took leave. I took out Chloe's photo and looked at her pretty cheek and chin. Will go and visit Chloe later.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Things not to say

I never heard/knew/thought about such a terrible thing could happen and I think even the worst person on earth shouldn't experience what we've gone through.

However, here are somethings that I really dread to hear.

1) It's ok, you are still young. There are many more opportunities.
If it's a miscarriage in early pregnancy which is very common, then this would be appropriate. Let me put it this way, it's not my baby is not here yet, my baby has left. No other baby can replace my baby.

2) I hope that you can get over it soon/I hope that you can be normal again
I'm sorry, I'll never be the same again. Hang around with me more, may be you'll like the new me.

3) Someone was asking how am I doing now and I said I've only slept very shallow and thought about many things. To my amazement, he replied, "Yeah, that's how humans become more mature".
Does everyone have to go through this to be more mature? This is happening to me because I'm immature? As i've said, even the worst person should not experience this.

4) Tell me when you want to have a drink
This is not something that i want to forget and bury my sorrow by intoxicating myself.

5) If you don't know what to say, just say I'm so sorry. Don't have to pretend and try to convince me that you know how I feel. I think only parents can imagine what we are going through but will never really FEEL what we are going through.

Things that made me feel better:

1) Chloe is an angel now, the purest of angels. She has never felt any pain and faced this cruel world.

2) I will pray for her

3) People who really care. Thanks.

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Funny incidents

The excitement of expecting a baby can't be explained. I was buying so many things and Amelie had to stop me so that she gets to go shopping for Chloe. There were indeed some funny stories when we were shopping.

There was once we went to buy a baby car seat. We were at the traffic light waiting to cross the road and it was drizzling. I stepped in front to press the pedestrian button and when I looked back, Amelie's gone. I was looking left and right can't find her. She was giggling away hiding under the shade in the nearby shop.

Another funny incident happened when we were doing our weekly groceries at a wholesale market. Half way through, I suggested to bring some stuff back to the car. When I got back to the market, the mobile phone network was having problem. There's coverage but you couldn't call or message. The place must be bigger than 2 football field and was tired from searching and I went to the information center. Borrowed their phone to call but as Amelie was on the same network so the call can't get through. The only option was done with rows of blaring speakers "Amelie, your husband Damien is at the information counter waiting for you, please come to the information center." Amelie was telling Chloe, "let's pick up your daddy" as she was walking over.